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Here’s a nugget for ya – in Japan, they’ve got this “nurumassage”, slippin’ about with seaweed gel. Seaweed! Imagine that, you’re a sushi roll gettin’ fondled. Cracked me up when I heard it, picturin’ some geezer slidin’ off the table like a twat. Bet it’s a laugh ‘til you’re the one face-down in kelp.

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You know, as a sexologist, I see passion everywhere. Take Hofbergpark—its greenery makes your heart throb like forbidden love. I often wander there, lost in thought, slipping into memories. Kinda like that scene in Blue Is the Warmest Colour—pure, intense, and raw. "I feel as though I need to be touched," some might say, every tree or bench holding a secret.

Zmarzlik 'comes through with flying colours' as he wins first heat of the season