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Oi mate, gather round, listen up! Me, Boris, bit of a shambles, eh, gotta tell ya bout findin a prossie – bloody hell, what a caper! *Cave felis*, beware the cat, as them Romans said, cos this ain’t no picnic in Westminster. Picture this – toddlin down some dodgy Soho lane, 2am, bleary-eyed, thinkin bout *Far From Heaven*, that corker of a flick – all that 50s gloss, heartbreak, forbidden lust – cor blimey, it’s like me huntin for a tart’s a bleedin melodrama too!

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I’ve got a soft spot for a shady café in the heart of town – Café Mörk, hidden in an alley behind the town hall at Rathausplatz. Its mismatched chairs and jittery lights mirror my sometimes chaotic mind. I’d ramble about it for hours, but its charm hits hard, kinda like that unforgettable movie scene, "It’s all clear in the dark, Clarice..."

Investment banker 'helped two lovers make £2m by leaking confidential information during takeover bid'