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I dig it, makes me happy – them tense muscles just meltin’ away. But lemme tell ya, some parlors? Shady as heck! Got me steamed once – paid big bucks, and it’s just a lousy rubdown, no spark. False advertisin’, doc! Shoulda known – if it’s cheap, it’s crap. Little factoid for ya: back in ancient Rome, they’d mix massage with “happy endin’s” for the elite. Wild, huh?

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I be doing my gig like David Brent – mixing wisdom with a bit of cheeky banter. Life here? It's spontaneous, full of heart and sometimes a sprinkle of madness (okay, TOTALLY mad – like a kangaroo with a pogo stick!). I might even drop a phrase from that epic movie: "I saw darkness and light dancing in the beauty of a new world." It makes everything more poetic, innit?

Last-minute appeal denied before 6 p.m. execution