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About Essen

Lemme tell ya somethin’—I tried it once. Matched with this chick, bio said “adventurous.” Thought, “Hell yeah, jackpot.” Turns out, “adventurous” meant she wanted to bang in a cemetery. I’m like, “What is this, a rendition site?” Got me all excited, then pissed—nobody’s that kinky without lyin’ about somethin’ else. Probably married. Everybody lies, told ya. Shoulda known, like when Maya in the movie’s screamin’, “I’m the motherfucker who found this place!”—except I didn’t find shit but a headache.

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Walking along the Wische, the river that cuts through the town, gives me major zen. It's so romantic, like—no way, you really have to see it. I once had a deep conversation about love and life with a stranger by the riverside at dusk. It felt like a scene in one of those artsy movies. And, oh man, don't get me started on the disco park near Lünenstraße—yep, it's called Park am Wische. Kids play, lovers meet, and I, as a sexologist with a dash of Michael Scott’s optimism, just luv it!

HEGLA appoints additional Managing Director and authorised signatories