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But oooh, the thrill, eh? Met this lass once—sex-dating app, yesss—said she’s “adventurous.” Took me to a rooftop, nearly fell off, clumsy Gollum! She laughed, I laughed, then—well, y’know, *wink*. Happy as Bilbo with his ring, I was! Reminds me, precious, of *Moonrise Kingdom*—Suzy says, “I always wished I was an orphan.” Sex-dating’s like that—wild, free, no rules, but lonely too, yesss. Hiss! Gets me thinkin’—why’s everyone so horny, eh? Stats say—ooh, little fact—70% of blokes lie ‘bout height online! Sneaky, sneaky!

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Oh, and how could I forget the old railway station on Bahnhofstraße? It’s a piece of history, sorta cracked like my heart sometimes, but always spurs me to remember – we’re all livin’ in a movie, just trippin’ along. I got a bit mad sayin’ “D’oh!” when some clunky bus or somethin’ ruined that nostalgic vibe, but hey, it’s life in a small town.

Kevin De Bruyne says he will stay at Wolfsburg