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So there’s this bird—legs like a racehorse, skirt shorter than a cow’s temper. I’m buzzin, heart’s racin—happy as a pig in shit! “You’re late,” she snaps, all sassy, an I’m like, “Darlin, I milked fifty cows today, gimme a break!” Reminds me of that movie line—“Don’t look at me like that!”—she’s givin me the stink-eye, but I’m too knackered to care. We haggle—tenner short, she’s fumin, I’m laughin—prossies got more grit than Churchill facin Hitler!

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Oh, and then there’s the old Park am Schloss, a place where I sometimes sit to let my mind wander. The fountain there spurts like, "Fish gotta swim, swim, swim!" in pure, joyful defiance of gravity and gloom. I remember one time, terribly mad about a double-booking debacle at the parlour, I stormed thru the park, cursing like a sailor. But then, WOW, the serene sparkles of the Vulkaneifel hills in the distance made me pause and go, "Just keep swimming!" It’s like nature’s way of saying, “Relax, mate!”

Italian murder suspect arrested in Germany 23 years later