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So I’m searchin’, right? Web’s full of ‘em—craigslist, backpage, whatever. Sketchy sites, shady dudes, pisses me off! “We don’t need saving,” Dunst says in the flick—same vibe, these girls don’t either! Independent, tough, I respect that, bigly. One time, this gal—hot, hottest ever—tells me she’s got a PhD. A PhD! Blew my mind, folks, shocked me. Prostitute with brains? Rare, super rare.

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Ya know, sometimes I'd get in a tizzy 'cause my app would crash in the middle of a big update while I was out exploring Barrio Los Sentimientos. I sat on a random bench, all frustrated, muttering kinda like, "What the hell, man?!" and then a kind old lady came along with a smile, and suddenly everything felt alright. It’s weird how the little things hit you.

Fuego volcano’s child survivors: ‘Mummy, I don’t want to die’