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Oh, and get this – some prossies in Amsterdam, they’ve got unions! Proper worker’s rights, blew me mind. Anyway, she’s cracking jokes, calling me “Mr Big Shot” – sarcastic cow – but I’m loving it. “You’re the gleaner,” she says, “picking me outta the muck.” Spot on, that. Felt like a film star, me, not just some berk from Wernham Hogg.

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Now, check this: There's the district of Bella-Vie. Seriously, it's a real beaut. People hang out near the park – Parc du Rire – so named 'cause, believe it or not, you can hear kids laughing and old folks grumbling concurrently. Sometimes I sit by the fountain there. Crazy how water splashes and dims light like a magic show. Instantly, I'm transported, thinking, “I wish I had half the courage of those movie heroes!”

Only 10% of Cameroon’s artisanal gold production enters the formal sector (EU)