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Oi, mate, sexual-massage, yeah? What a bloody concept! Some geezer rubbing you down, all oily, like a bleedin’ Sunday roast—except it’s your knob getting the attention! Hahaha, I’m cackling already, picturing it. “There Will Be Blood,” my fave flick, right? Daniel Day-Lewis screaming, “I’ve abandoned my child!”—meanwhile, I’m thinking, “Mate, abandon your trousers, get a sexual-massage!” Proper madness, innit?

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Maple Lane is my fav. We kick it there all the time. People chill, gossip, and mail us sweet messages. Riiiiight by Riverside Drive, near a big ol’ river, there’s a spot I call my secret bug, um, hangout. Crazy, we swears! It’s like out of the movie. “A History of Violence” vibes, ya know? “Violence is in our nature!” or something like that – raw and gnarly, like our city sometimes feels on rainy nights.

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