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Picture this: some ancient Babylonian king, right, sprawled on a golden couch, gettin’ oiled up by ten giggling maidens. Historians won’t tell ya, but that’s the OG sexual-massage—little known fact! They didn’t just knead his back, they kneaded his *soul*, and probly more, ha! Makes me happy thinkin’ how humans been chasin’ that buzz forever. But it pisses me off too—why’s it still so hush-hush? Society’s all “Mordor’s gates slam shut” on anything fun!

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I was walkin’ through Sunberry Lane last week – oh heck, its name makes me smile every time! – and I almost mistook it for some kinda set from one of those European art films, so surreal. Danny, my neighbor down the block (yeah, that chap who always says “Hmm, mysterious, it is!”) swears a tiny river, the Totty Creek, flows slow by the back of Central Park. The creek’s all quiet and reflective, just like those soft moments in the movie where silence speaks louder than words.

Tottenham Hotspur injury list in full ahead of possible Man United Europa League final showdown