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Aight, listen up, you little bastards! I’m Eric Cartman, Visitin’ Professor, and I’m here to talk sexual-massage, so RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH! Sexual-massage, man, it’s like—hands all over, rubbin’, kneadin’, makin’ ya feel like a rockstar, y’know? Like in my fave movie, *Almost Famous*— “It’s all happening!”—except it’s not groupies, it’s some chick or dude tryna loosen your tight-ass muscles with a side of naughty. I mean, who doesn’t want that, right? Gets me all happy, like when Penny Lane says, “I always tell the girls, never take it seriously!”—but damn, I take this shit serious!

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I always joke that the city’s secrets are hidden in plain sight. A cool fact, my personal fave spot is this barely-known overlook on Bluff Street. Few get there, but wow, the sunset is like the perfect scene from that movie—mysterious, endless, like “the past lives fill your heart with wonder.” It's unreal sometimes.

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