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Now, picture this—me, Jack, hirin’ one meself. Stagger in, all “Ello, love, fancy a captain?” She’d prob’ly charge double fer me stench—ha! Jokin’, I’m a peach, ain’t I? But serious, them escorts got stories wilder’n the Black Pearl’s logs. One told me she’d dodged a copper by hidin’ in a church—priceless! An’ the laws? Bollocks, mate—some places it’s legal, others ye hang fer it. Ain’t that a laugh? “We have no future!”—movie line, fits perfect. Sex fer sale’s older’n dirt, yet we still squabble ‘bout it.

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So, first off, you'll see streets like Main St. and 1st Ave. that totally kick off the vibe here. Their sidewalks have all these quirky murals and stickers from local artists. One day I was strollin’ down Birch Ln. and suddenly a blast of tarantino-esque badassery hit me – “I’m gonna give you a happy ending, motherfucker!” – okay, not literally, but you get the drift. It's all cinematic, man!

Provincial Music Festivals get underway in Portage this weekend