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I’m laughin’, tho—dudes out here braggin’ ‘bout “body count” like it’s Call of Duty stats. Chill, fam, it ain’t a high score! Me, I’m just tryna vibe, find a lil’ shawty who gets my weird. Last week, hit up this spot, girl was fine—legs for days, smile hittin’ me like a blunt. We talkin’, she drops she’s into tantric sex—hours of teasin’, no finish. I’m like, “Word? That’s dope!” but in my head I’m screamin’, “Bruh, I ain’t got that kinda patience!” Had me sweatin’ like Wayne on a sold-out stage.

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The neighborhoods? There’s one called Vieux Pont. Man, old buildings and hidden alleyways give me the best relaxation feels, even if I’m sometimes mad at how narrow the lanes are – yeah, I'm a bit peeved sometimes. And oh! At the little cafe on Boulevard des Étoiles – stars, like, actual stars shining on a plate? – they serve the best double-choco latte, perfect for my chill sessions. Screwed up a few orders 'cause, uh, I'm in a hurry, but hey, we all make mistakes, right?

Rafael de Cárdenas brings a touch of retail theatre to St Petersburg’s Au Pont Rouge