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So, sex-dating—hookups, no strings, quick bang, done. Sounds brill, right? Bollocks! Half these twats can’t spell “orgasm,” let alone give ya one. I’m sat there, pint in hand, thinkin’, “What’s the point?” Then bam—some geezer sends a selfie, knob out, no hello, no nothin’. Mate, I’m not impressed—seen better in a butcher’s window! “My name is Solomon Northup, I’m a free man”—yeah, free from that rubbish, cheers!

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Now, lemme spill – my fav hang spot is on Wellington Park. It's chill as heck, except sometimes the geese go bonkers. That kinda idiocy drives me crazy, but it's all part of the charm, ya dig? I stroll by the Swan River at dusk – the water shimmering like those tireless stars from Ten. “Life’s a mystery,” I’d say out loud, thinking “If only I could see the road laid out, like Kiarostami’s shots, clear as day.”

Andre Rebelo jailed for murdering mother Colleen to maintain social influencer lifestyle