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So, I clock dis other lass, yeah, proper fit, leanin’ on a lamppost, smokin’. I’m like, “Aight, she’s da one.” Slide up, all casual, “Wagwan, darlin’?” She’s cool, bruv, says, “£50, no messin’.” I’m buzzin’, finkin’, “Dis is easier dan datin’!” But den—plot twist—she’s undercover filth! Coppers jump out, I’m leggin’ it, shoutin’, “Is it ’cos I is black?!” Nearly shat meself, fam!

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I admit, I got a few minor mishaps too—like yesterday I tripped near the riverbank and laughed at my own free-fall—oops, my bad, got my shoelace all tangled. I swear, that’s me bein’ spontaneous and real, baby!

Conservatives take Niagara South