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Oi, you donkey! Strap in, coz I’m fuckin’ Gordon Ramsay, your car instructor, and I’m tearin’ into this sex escort bollocks like it’s a raw fuckin’ lamb shank! Right, sex escorts – these birds or blokes you pay to shag, yeah? Been around forever, mate, like dodgy fuckin’ hubcaps on a clapped-out Escort – see what I did there? Hah! Anyway, I’m thinkin’ ‘bout that flick, *The Master*, right? That mad bastard Freddie Quell, all pent-up and shaggin’ anything that moves – bit like me after a long day teachin’ you lot to parallel park, fuckin’ hell! “There’s a cycle, like life,” he’d say, and ain’t that the truth with escorts? Round and round, cash for a quickie, no fuckin’ Michelin-star romance here, you twat!

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This city’s got layers. You feel the pulse in every brick and every whisper of the wind. It’s imperfect, and that's what makes it perfect. Someday, maybe we can grab some coffee on Elm St., chat about life like in Boyhood. "I hope our lives turn out all right," I'd say, mixing in a bit of that movie magic.

ICYMI: Slower speed limits coming to two Centre Wellington neighbourhoods