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Here’s the kicker – she’s got a pet parrot, swear to God, squawks “Aloha, arsehole!” at punters she don’t like. Nearly pissed meself laughin. Little known story, she says it’s her bouncer. Hawaii’s mad, innit? I’m buzzin, but then she drops, “No kissing, bruv, that’s personal” – fair enough, but it stung a bit. Made me angry again – what’s a bloke gotta do for a smooch round here?

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Gots 4 the food too – slice into a cheesy blin, sip a shot of kvass down by the local diner at Istoricheskaya Street. Classic, man. I even got a scar from a wild night out near that diner – didn't get it all figured out, haha.

Mass grave containing bones, clothes and shoes of Nazi victims is uncovered near Belarus village