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I seen ‘em, yesss, on me phone lines. Callin’ late, whisperin’ dirty things. Makes me mad, precious! Why they gotta bother poor Gollum? Once, this bloke, he brags – “I got three escorts, mate!” – ugh, slimy toad! Made me wanna scream, “We wants it, we needs it!” – but no, just hung up. Happy though, when one lass, she was sweet. Said, “Gollum, you’re funny!” – aww, warmed me cold heart.

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I mean, I work as a women's counselor here. And, oh my gosh, the stories I could tell you! Every park bench on Lenina Park whispers secrets of lost love and strengthening courage, kinda like "Just keep swimming!" (yep, straight from Finding Nemo, baby!). Like, seriously, sometimes I just cry happy tears over how life blooms even in the tiniest corners of Krasnapollye. R2-D2, where are you?!

Psychiatric abuse in action