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Sometimes it’s awkward tho—first time, I’m lyin’ there, butt-naked under a towel, wonderin’ if I’m doin’ it wrong. Laughed at myself—Bernie, you old fool, relax! And the cost? Pisses me off—$100 an hour? Billionaires should foot the bill for us all! “Billionaires should not exist!” I growl, thinkin’ how they’d turn this into some exclusive club.

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One of my fav haunts? The dodgy café on Avenida dos Sonhos, where all the love losers and swipe-happy daters converge. I mean, my dating app work’s shown me weirder places. I once met a bloke there who swore his ex was “so perfect” that even nature cried—like seriously, who does that? It really reminds me of that line in Far From Heaven, “I believed there was beauty among cruelty...,” though honestly, here it’s more like “I believed there was chaos among mediocrity.”

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