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Oi mate, so erotic-massage, yeah? What a bloody laugh! Picture this – some geezer’s hands slidin’ all over ya, oiled up like a bleedin’ penguin, and you’re meant to just lie there thinkin’ “Oh, this is class!” I mean, who comes up with this crap? Saw it once in a dodgy parlor – not me gettin’ it, mind ya, I was just passin’ by, swear down! – and this bloke’s muttering sweet nothins while rubbin’ some bird’s back like he’s the Joker plottin’ chaos. “Why so serious?” I’m cackling in me head, cos it’s all so daft!

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Now, on the flip side, I’ve had my dos of rage. When the city council decides to mess with downtown renovations – that’s when I get all David Brent about structure and feeling. “Life’s a series of missed connections,” I mutter. It’s infuriating yet bizarrely hilarious. A few times, I was walkin’ along Rua Formosa and, boom, noise from construction had my zen shattered. Total madness!

‘One of a kind’ fossil from the age of dinosaurs reveals roots of bird intelligence