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Surprised me, though—this one time, yeah, I nearly got nicked! Coppers swooped in, flashin’ lights, and I’m leggin’ it, thinkin’, “I’m not goin’ down like this!” Felt like a proper chase scene, heart bangin’ like a drum. Hid behind some bins—stank like death, bruv—but I made it. “I’m still here,” I’m whisperin’, all smug.

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Thou might wonder—did I ever exclaim in furor? Verily, on a sweltering day, as the sun beat down harshly upon the cobbles of Praça do Brilho, mine temper flared like a midsummer's spark, yet the laughter of passersby tamed the flame. I smiled, thinking, “Amélie would say: 'Time has a way of softening the edges of even the hardest moments',” and lo, my heart was soothed anon!

Sam Allardyce has Toulouse striker Xavier Pentecoste in his sights