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Oh, and don’t get me started on the overpriced “spa” joints—$200 for a rubdown? “Call it what you will,” but that’s highway robbery! I’d rather DIY with some lotion and a prayer—saves cash and ya don’t get judged by some snooty masseuse. Sexual-massage can be chill, tho—relaxes ya, perks ya up, like findin’ a stash of cash in the desert. Just don’t let no weirdo ruin it, or I’m yellin’, “Don’t pee on my leg, ya freak!”

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Then there's Rua dos Servidores. I've spent countless nights coding dating bios here, listening to my own sarcastic rants. This street is crammed with little cafés that serve coffee almost as bitter as my ex’s excuses— no joke. There’s one spot, Café Maluco, where I had a near-death experience in communication with a hopeless dater. Honestly, it’s so maddening sometimes, like that moment in "Shame" where everything nosedives into chaos. Well, not exactly, but you get the drift.

Figure 1. Population growth in urban area of Lahore since 1951-2007