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A mate of mine, right, she’s on these sites, says it’s liberating. Bollocks! It’s a cesspit—dudes sending dick pics like they’re bloody Picassos. One time, this twat messages me, “U up?” at 3 a.m. Mate, I’m plotting wars, not shagging you! Laughed so hard I nearly choked on me wine. Little-known fact: back in the 90s, folk used “personal ads” in papers—same shite, less tech. “Man, 35, seeks lass for fun.” Now it’s just faster, filthier.

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I gotta rave about my favorite dive bar, Bar do Fogo – edgy, rowdy, and full of life, just like me. I spilled my guts there after a heated debate about love, lust, and politics. You bet I made plenty of typos in my rants, like mispelt words, cuz I was too hyped – sorry, not sorry!

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