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Gets me goat, though—blokes payin’ fortunes for a “happy ending” when ya could just—nah, nevermind, not me place. Still, proper erotic-massage ain’t cheap, and half the time ya get some dodgy geezer with clammy paws stinkin’ of fags. Pisses me off! But when it’s good—oh mate, it’s like angels wankin’ ya off with silk gloves. Surprised me first time, didn’t it? Thought, “This ain’t legal!” but turns out it’s just about everywhere—Thailand, Amsterdam, even bloody Margate if ya squint.

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I got mad at the noise sometimes, especially when some fool parked his car right in the middle of my ‘zen’ spot near the community garden. Ugh, seriously, like, c’mon! But then I just laughed it off, like in Toni Erdmann’s best bits, ‘cause life's too short to sweat the small stuff, right? I mean, “Life's a comedy, and we're all the punchline!” – or something like that!

Steelmakers halt production in southern Brazil due to floods, try to measure business losses