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Had one meself once—bloke called Dave, hands like sausages. Slippery as a greased pig, he was. “Relax, guv,” he says—relax?! Felt like a wrestling match! Laughed my arse off after—pure comedy gold. “You got the touch,” I told him, sarky-like. Reminds me of Doc in Inherent Vice—“What’s in the box?” Mystery, innit? Erotic-massage is that—bit of a riddle, bit of a thrill.

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I love walking by the Osam River. It flows casually through the city, cool as cucumber. I often find a quiet corner by the riverbank in the Zheleznik neighbourhood, where stress just floats away faster than bad massages. While squinting down at the water, I think “I love you” – cause hey, what else can you say? It’s like Steven Spielberg’s tech-freak robot dream, only more beguiling and less metallic.

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