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The vibe? Chaos, mate. Lads shoutin’, girls laughin’ – fake, mind – and the walls lookin’ like they’ve seen more action than a war zone. Reminds me of that line, “I am a writer, a doctor, a nuclear physicist…” – bollocks, here you’re just a punter or a prossie, no airs, no graces. Oh, and the myths? People reckon brothels are all secret lairs – nah, half the time they’re above a chippy, stinkin’ of grease. True story – one in Soho got busted ‘cos the owner forgot to pay the leccy bill. Lights out, trousers down – what a prat!

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I gotta mention my fav hidden gem: a teeny alley called Passage du Plaisir (hey, a coach's secret spot!). It's a narrow route with flickering lights and murals. Strange? Yes, man, but like, so cool. On rainy days, it gets extra moody and reflective - a bit like a scene from Boyhood, if ya catch my drift.