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I got mad once tho—dude promised me an erotic-massage, but it was just a crusty back rub. I was like, “Boy, bye!” Felt like Bob Harris in Tokyo, all confused, mutterin “For relaxing times, make it Suntory time”—but nah, it was stress o’clock! Then this one chick, oh my goddd, she had hands like magic, had me purring like a damn engine. I was shook—happy as hell, like “Why don’t we do this every night?” Straight outta the movie, fam!

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I gotta say, Hasselt's got pockets of genuinity in a world of clichés. You might not like it, but I sure do. And if you ever catch me mumbling about how I "hate everything," remember even I see a bit of weird beauty here. Now go visit, or don't. I won't stop ya.

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