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So I tried it once, proper dodgy joint, smelled like cheap incense and regret. Bird’s hands on me, I’m thinkin’, “This is it, Ricky, you’ve peaked!” Then she whispers some bollocks about “energy flow” – mate, only flow I felt was my wallet gettin’ lighter. “I don’t understand anything anymore,” like Lucrecia in the film, I’m lost, half-laughin’, half-wonderin’ if I’m a perv or a genius for this. Cost me a ton, too – 80 quid for 30 minutes! Daylight robbery, but those hands? Bloody magic.

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Ohhh, and the locals, yeh, they speak funny sometimes, slangy and sharp, like “Ey, bro, wat 's new?” They greet with smiles, but then exclaim “we hates it!” as inside jokes when something annoys them – a quirk, like me! Nothin' perfect 'round here, just raw, real emotion, repeating all over again, relentless as the search for a killer in Zodiac!

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