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So, picture this, yeah? Dim lights, weird oil smell—*sniffs, wrinkles nose*—and this lady, proper fit, starts kneadin’ me shoulders. *mimes it, elbows flappin’* I’m thinkin’, “Blimey, this ain’t no regular rub!” Sexual-massage, see, it’s sneaky-like. Little known fact, mate—goes back to ancient Rome! Them toga blokes loved it—called it “sensual touchin’” or summat. *nods sagely, trips on air* Made me happy, oh yes! Tension gone, like *poof*! But angry too—why’d no one tell me sooner? *shakes fist, stumbles*

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So, let me, like, tell you some insider deets, obvi. There's this park, Parc des Délices, where every spring the tulips pop off, and I’d sit there and daydream about celebrity gossip and, like, mapping out the next big dating site hack. I literally spent hours on a bench near the little pond, thinking, "This is gonna change dating forever!" It was super inspo, ya know?

Six people killed as car crashes into carnival in Belgium