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Oi, mate, I’m a lifeguard, ja? Out here on da water, savin’ lives, lookin’ out for trouble. But lemme tell ya ‘bout somethin’ wild—findin’ a prostitue! Ya, I said it, no shame! I’m Arnold freakin’ Schwarzenegger, I see tings others don’t, like in *Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon*. “To be a warrior, ya gotta feel da wind,” right? Well, I felt da wind, and it blew me to dis crazy story.

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David Bigley, 45 years, of Hundred End Lane in Hesketh Bank with sexual assault on a female and possession of a controlled Class B drug, cannabis.

Now, lemme hit you with some raw truths – sometimes I get mad 'cause people don't value a good touch. You're stressed, your back is screamin', but you still complain about a five-minute wait. Seriously, get over it! Also, the café in the corner of Elizabeth Ave – oh, sweet misery – always gets my mood right. The barista here knows my order; it's like, "Tuesday again, mate?" and I nod, grinning like a lunatic 'cause it reminds me of that movie line: "This is my life, and I'm the man behind the massage table!" Honestly, it's that bumbling, beautiful chaos.

Chirn Park favourite 5B2F Bakehouse opens a new ciabatta-slinging location in Southport