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Aight, listen up, you filthy hippies! I’m Eric Cartman, insurance investi-gator, and I’m here to talk about this damn brothel mess. Respect my authoritah! So, this shady joint—smells like cheap perfume and bad decisions. I’m investigatin’ claims, right? Some dumbass says he slipped on a “mysterious wet spot” and broke his stupid neck. Yeah, sure, buddy, that’s what they all say in a damn brothel! I’m thinkin’, “This is the end, beautiful friend,” like in *Melancholia*—total chaos, just waitin’ to crash.

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There’s a snug little park, called Lovesome Green. Its walkways curve like the trails of passion, and the sunlight plays peek-a-boo with the leaves. I sometimes sit on a not-so-ancient bench—oh so damn creaky—and I reflect on past encounters, silly confessions, and some truly bizarre footsie moments (we all know what that means, right?).

Mount Ommaney Division Crime Update