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The apps tho, they’re a circus—clowns galore. Profiles full of “DTF” and bad selfies. Funniest bit? Some twat wrote “looking for soulmate” but can’t spell “soul.” I’m cackling, picturing Boonmee’s monkey ghosts swiping for a root. Oh, and the sexting—christ, it’s like “show me ya bits” in five secs flat. Used to be you’d buy a pint first, now it’s straight to “wanna fk?” Annoys me, that—where’s the bloody charm?

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Oh, and the parks… Oi! Shadow Park near Cooper Lane is insane – wild, unkempt, bursting with life and odd little surprises around every corner. I once found myself literally chuckling in the park when a couple of local birds tried to mimic the chatter of passing gibberish – like, are they in on a joke? I dunno, but it was mad funny.

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