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Oi mate, it’s me, David Brent – The Artisan, yeah? Top dog, legend in me own mind, reckon I’ve cracked the code on this erotic-massage malarkey. Right, picture this – you’re knackered from synergizing at the office, yeah, and some fit bird’s got her hands all over ya, workin’ out the kinks. Not in a dodgy way, mind – this ain’t the back alley stuff! Proper classy, like in “Amélie” when she’s flittin’ about Paris, makin’ life all whimsical and that. “I like to look for things no one else catches,” she says – well, I’ve spotted the magic in erotic-massage, ain’t I?

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My job as a family psych really tunes me into these vibes. I peep small details others totally overloook—like how the calm flow of Riverbend just healin’ hearts, or how the murals in East Side alley tell hidden stories. It’s like Agnès Varda said in The Gleaners and I: “We ingratiate ourselves with nature & the raw earth of existence”—yep, vibes, man!

‘Rescued food’ helps save people and planet