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Last week—pissed me off—some dude on X bragged ‘bout “classy escorts.” Classy? Ha! Like lipstick on a pig. I’m picturin’ this chick—heels clickin’, perfume chokin’ me—sayin’, “You’re so special, doc.” Bullshit. Reminds me of *Her*: “I can’t live in your book anymore.” Yeah, lady, I ain’t your fairy tale either. Prostitutes don’t love ya—they clock in, clock out. Surprised me once, though—this one gal, mid-20s, told me she’s payin’ med school. Med school! Swear to God, I nearly hugged her—then remembered the germs.

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Also, let me tell ya — the local quirks drive me nuts sometimes, but in a good way. The sound system on the beach blaring old rock tunes? Classic Michael Scott baby – "That's what she said!" when the wind picks up and dances with your hair. It gives you that cringey optimism, like, "Man, we're all just spinning in this crazy dream together!"

New bakery opens on Cairns’ northern beaches