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I’d be ragin’ happy if I scored one, tho. “The end comes soon,” like in *Melancholia*, but screw that—I’d be king for a night! Maybe she’d be hot, maybe not, but I’d yell, “You’re my planet now, bitch!” Total Cartman move. Still, it’s risky—could get robbed or somethin’. Makes me mad thinkin’ about it! Don’t mess with me, I’m Eric freakin’ Cartman!

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Now, let’s dish: Some parts of Sylvania, like the old industrial zone down by Riverbend (yeah, the river is real – no fancy made-up crap), make me fume. Some streets are so grubby, I swear there’s a ghost of a past life lurking. But its grit, weirdly enough, inspires some of my best work with women (trust me, I've been around the block). Clients often whisper about the river – a meandering beast – that reflects so many truths, brutal truths, just like the movie, ya know? “The labyrinths of our hearts,” I tell 'em, and damn if that ain’t right.

Sylvania Township trustees seek senior center levy for November ballot