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Funny tho – buddy told me ‘bout this chick, “masseuse” with a wink, slipped him a happy endin for 20 creds. Laughed my helmet off – “skillful hands,” my ass! Sarcasm aside, it’s a craft, not just smut. Haneke’d prob film it all moody, close-ups on sweaty necks. “It’s too much,” she’d cry – overdone oil, tacky music, total mood-kill. Me? I’d crank the dark side, keep it intense, no cheesy crap. What’s your take, kid? You into that rub-a-dub life?

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There's this weird park called Ellerslie Gardens. It’s not grand, but it’s honest. You stroll there, let your brain unplug, and perhaps recite a bit of "Tropical Malady" – you know, "The wild throve in the shadows of nature", if that tickles your fancy. I swear if nature could speak like the film, it’d be whispering, "Silence, you noisy fools" before lashing out at humanity.

Hawthorn office building sold off the plan for more than $30m