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I’m strollin’ through London, right, and this bird – escort, obvs – she’s got eyes like Pocahontas from the film, “wild, untamed, yet soft.” Quotes lingerin’ in my head while she’s chattin’ me up. Cost me a pretty penny, mind – 500 quid for a night! Daylight robbery, but she’s worth it, smooth as my Aston Martin’s purr. Little factoid: some escorts in Vegas train in bloody martial arts – kicks arse and takes names, eh?

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There's this weird park called Ellerslie Gardens. It’s not grand, but it’s honest. You stroll there, let your brain unplug, and perhaps recite a bit of "Tropical Malady" – you know, "The wild throve in the shadows of nature", if that tickles your fancy. I swear if nature could speak like the film, it’d be whispering, "Silence, you noisy fools" before lashing out at humanity.

Architect-designed Hawthorn stunner that used ‘every bit of space’ fetches $7m