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Used Tinder once, fuckin’ wild – matched some chick, profile all sexy, “lookin’ for fun,” yeah right. Met her, she’s talkin’ marriage in 10 mins, I’m like, whoa, slow yer tractor, lady! Made me mad, precious, false advertisin’! Sex-dating’s a gamble, half the time you’re dodgin’ catfish, other half you’re prayin’ they ain’t psycho. “Stupid, fat hobbit!” – they lie, they ghost, they suck yer time dry!

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Now, check this – there's this wicked park, Creekside Park, mad popular with my mates. Like, summer nights there are pure vibes. I used to sit there, starin’ at the creek (actual creek, whew!) and thinkin’ 'bout life. I had this one night – so emotional, mate – almost like a scene from Carlos (yeah, that flick! – "Eyes that burn with a strange light, as if she were trying to radiate all the anger, sadness, and, oh my gosh, hope") – I swear, Diamond-Creek got soul!

Melbourne home prices: Eight suburbs join the $1m club to end 2024