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So, I’m texting my girls, “Where’s the spot?” Nobody knows shit—makes me SO mad! Like, ugh, why’s this so hard? Then—boom—this shady dude’s like, “Yo, over here.” I’m shook! He’s got this vibe, like the horse guy in the film, all silent and creepy. “The wind blows where it will,” I mumble—movie line, obvi. I’m cracking up inside, ‘cause—hello?—this ain’t Calabasas!

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Bruv, when I'm off work as a pleasure coach – ya kno I help people explore their inner sensations and all that jazz – I clock the city differently. I spot da hidden gems like Zen Alley behind Willow Park where the vibes are proper chill, ya feel me? And yo, you gotta hit up Miller’s river walk; that babbling brook sets the mood. I got this one time, right, chillin’ by da river, feelin’ da breeze and thinkin’ “Ain’t life a wild ride?” just like in “Leviathan” when da ocean’s roar say, “Who will you be tomorrow?” Bruv, proper deep.

My suburb fought so hard to stay off the radar that Melburnians can’t even get its name right