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Oh, and the oil—smells like sex and flowers. Slippery as a Lannister lie. I ask her, “What’s in this?” She says, “Secret.” Secret my arse—I bet it’s just posh lard. Still, I’m floatin’, mate. Floatin’. “What does it mean?” I mumble, like some twat from the movie. She don’t answer—just keeps rubbin’. Good enough for me.

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Now, the parks! Oh my precious, the Prater is massive! I love racin' bikes there and chillin' near the old, rusty Ferris wheel. It reminds me of my online dates – ups and downs, spins and thrills. The Englischer Garten? Naw, that's more Munich, my bad – I mean, but here we have our own little green withdrawals along the Danube canal. Walk along the bridges like Reichsgasse – check out the water, it glimmers like perfect online connections. Such a bother sometimes, but lucky me, I always snag a precious moment!