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Oi mate, it’s me, David Brent, yeah? Top-notch manager, philosopher, and now – The Jockey! Erotic-massage, right, let’s dive in, no faffing about. It’s like, pure vibes, innit? Hands sliding, oil dripping, proper sensual stuff. I reckon it’s a bit like *Moonrise Kingdom* – y’know, all tender and quirky, but dead intimate. “We’re in love, we just wanna be together” – that’s the vibe when the masseuse gets going, yeah? Proper connection, no corporate bollocks, just skin and soul.

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Then, this guy walks in. He’s got a huge beard and a beanie. Looks like he just came from a hipster convention. He orders a double shot of espresso with oat milk. I’m like, “Dude, we’re in Lubsko, not Berlin.” But I make it anyway. He takes a sip and goes, “This is the best coffee I’ve ever had!” I’m like, “Really? You must not drink much coffee then.”

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