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So, I tried it once, doc. Profile says “Bugs, 30, loves tunnels.” Got a date—holy carrots, she was hot! But—get this—she brought handcufs. Handcuffs, doc! I’m like, “Eh, slow down, toots!” Freaked me out, man. Thought I’d end up in a stew. Sex-dating’s risky, ya dig? One sec yer flirtin’, next yer dodgin’ creeps.

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I sit down, and my phone buzzes. It’s my buddy, Vlad. He’s like, “Dude, you won’t believe this!” Turns out, he just bought a plot near the park on Strada Florilor. I’m like, “Bro, you’re gonna turn that into a garden or what?” He’s all excited, talking about flowers and veggies. I’m just thinking, “Good luck with that, man.”