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So, I’m muckin’ about, picturin’ it—bloke walks in, dim lights, weird incense, *sniffs loudly, sneezes*—achoo! An’ these hands, right, they’re kneadin’ ya like dough, but sexy-like. *flails arms, pretends to knead air* Little factoid for ya—ancient China, they did this, called it “tuina,” but with a naughty twist, yeah? Proper cheeky emperors gettin’ frisky rubs. Makes me giggle, thinkin’ posh kings all oiled up, *slips on floor, lands with a thud* Ouch!

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After that chaos, I finally get back inside. I’m trying to focus, but my phone keeps buzzing. It’s my mate, Tom, sending me memes. Like, dude, I’m trying to work here! But I can’t help but laugh at the one with the cat in a tie. Classic Tom.

Fly-tippers dump mountains of rubbish in southern Test Valley