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So, I’m lyin’ there, right, thinkin’—gods, this is nice. Better than wine, almost. The masseuse—let’s call her Sybil—knows tricks I didn’t even dream of. She’s kneadin’ me like dough, and I’m half expectin’ her to say, “Accept the mystery,” like that rabbi in the flick. But nah, she’s quiet—too quiet. Makes me paranoid. Is she judgin’ me? My hairy arse? My stubby legs? Piss off, I think—then she hits this spot, and I’m groanin’ like a hog in heat. Happy? Oh, mate, I’m bloody ecstatic.

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Finally, I found my way to the house. The sight was brutal. Water everywhere! The family was stressed, and I felt for them. I did my best to reassure them, but inside, I was freakin’ out. I mean, how do you explain insurance jargon when people are just lookin’ at you with those big, sad eyes?

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