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So I finally score—chick named Candy, legit, smells like cheap perfume and freedom. I’m happy as hell, braggin’ to Kyle in my head, “Suck it, Jew!” She’s quick, no drama, and I’m like, “This is my kingdom!” Costs me 80 bucks, tho—fuckin’ inflation, man, makes me rage! Still, worth it. Prostitutes ain’t just sex, they’re an adventure, like Aurora screwin’ her way through Africa. “A forbidden passion burns!”—that’s me, Cartman, livin’ the dream. Respect my authoritah, or I’ll find yer mom’s a hooker next!

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Rushden, oh boy, where do I start? There’s Rushden Lakes, a huge water wonder, mate – perfect for a stroll or a cheeky moment of calm. The water sparkles, and the trails make you think of a labyrinth – “Remember Sammy Jankis?!” I shout to meself sometimes, watching couples jog by, lost in floods of memories and mist. And then the streets, oh dear, just like life – a jumble with Squirrel’s Park nearby where kids laugh and old timers natter. Funny how a parlor owner sees a lot, huh?

Homeless charity Project 16:15 to open self-funded Rushden cafe