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Oi mate, so I’m sat here, reckonin’ I’m some top-notch agronomist, yeah, but today’s all about erotic-massage innit! Picture this, me, David Brent, king of the cringe, givin’ you the lowdown on this slippery subject. Now, I ain’t talkin’ crops or soil pH—nah, this is hands-on, proper sensual stuff, like a bloody team-buildin’ exercise gone rogue! Loved it in “Zero Dark Thirty”—that tension, mate, “the greatest manhunt in history,” but swap bin Laden for a cheeky massage table, yeah?

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First off, I hit up the local café on Trg svobode. Best coffee in town, no cap. I grab my usual – a double espresso, strong enough to wake the dead. I’m sittin’ there, mindin’ my biz, when I see this dude, right? He’s tryin’ to impress some girl, but he spills his drink all over himself. Classic! I’m laughin’ so hard, I almost choke on my croissant.

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