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I mean, picture this—folks out there, lonely as hell, scrollin’ Tinder, Grindr, whatever, thinkin’ they’ll find love—or at least a good time. Me? I’m sittin’ here, sippin’ my coffee, goin’, “This system’s rigged!” Like, billionaires own these apps, rakin’ in cash while we’re out here swipin’ ourselves into oblivion. “The top one percent!”—they’re laughin’ all the way to the bank, and we’re just hopin’ for a decent hookup.

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But then, I overhear this couple arguing. Like, really loudly. They’re going at it about who left the lights on. I’m just sitting there, trying to enjoy my ramen, and they’re making it awkward. I mean, can’t you take it outside?

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