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Oh, and the oils – slippery as a politician’s promise! Lavender, coconut, whatever – smells like hippy bollocks. Sarcastic cheer here – “Ooh, so exotic, you wanker!” Still, gets ya loose, them tight shoulders melting. Ever tried it? Don’t lie, ya curious sod! Reckon it’s overhyped tho – 9 times outta 10, it’s just a tease. Like *Boyhood*, builds up slow, then – nowt! Still, if ya got the dosh, why not? Just don’t tell the missus, eh – she’d have me bollocks! Cheers, you tosser, next round’s on you!

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But then, I tripped. Like, full-on faceplant. My notebook flew outta my hands, pages everywhere. I was so mad! I scrambled to pick them up, and this old lady came over. She was like, “You okay, young man?” I just laughed it off. “Yeah, just trying to catch my fish notes!”

Gumi city cancels Lee Seung-hwan's Christmas concert amid political controversy