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Alright, listen up, folks! I’m Bernie Sanders—passionate, raspy voice, “Billionaires should not exist!”—and I’m here to talk erotic-massage, somethin’ the fat cats probly hog for themselves. Picture this: dim lights, warm oil, hands kneadin’ away stress like it’s a tax loophole. I mean, who wouldn’t want that? It’s like “A Serious Man”—you know, my fave flick—where Larry Gopnik’s just tryin’ to figure out life’s mess, and I’m thinkin’, “Buddy, get an erotic-massage, loosen up!”

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Then, it gets crazier. This kid runs in, right? He’s got ice cream all over his face. I mean, it’s dripping everywhere. He slips on the floor and goes down like a sack of potatoes. I’m half-laughing, half-worried. “You good, kid?” He just giggles and gets up. Kids are wild, man.

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