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So, this one time, I’m mixin’ a gin fizz, and a mate goes, “Winston, ever tried it?” I’m all, “Me? With these sausage fingers? I’d muck it up!” But truth is, I’d kill for that floaty feelin’—like No-Face gobblin’ up calm in Miyazaki’s flick. The oils, the dim lights, the slow glide—cor, it’s magic! We shall fight the prudes, we shall fight the stiff necks, we shall rise with oiled-up glory!

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But then, outta nowhere, this lady comes up. She’s all frantic, waving her scissors like they’re a magic wand. “Help! I need these for my art!” I’m like, “Lady, I’m a sharpener, not a magician!” But I take a look, and they’re duller than my ex’s sense of humor. I get ‘em sharp, and she’s over the moon. Like, I just saved her art project or something. Makes me feel all warm inside, ya know?

Four Soldiers Killed, Dozens Wounded in Hezbollah Drone Strike on IDF Base